Things That Pee Me Off – 2013 Year Of The Camel (Toe)

Well 2013 was an interesting year.  I do believe that writing a blog certainly helped.  I’ve started reading blogs too but I did notice that some people’s blogs are 150 words. That’s not a blog, that’s an extended tweet.

Right, let’s get down to business.

There are quite a lot of things that pee me off and this year there were some humdingers. You might not agree with all of them..

Firstly I need to address the issue of Miley Cyrus’ camel toe and tongue-out combo. I’m so frucking sick of seeing this androgynous House of Fraser boy-section mannequin on my telly/computer/ipad/iphone/twitter. It’s just nasty. Her first name is ‘Destiny’. Like a day-shift stripper with a neck tattoo of her kid’s name.

That moves me on nicely to Katie Hopkins. This horse-faced woman was a reject from ‘The Apprentice’ and a likely sufferer of chronic meglomania. With no celebrity status, she wangled her way onto ‘This Morning’ and blasted a rant about children’s names. One being mine – upsetting Holly to such a degree, that she got cross. I didn’t think Holly Willoughby could get cross. It’s quite funny really because I won business competitions – four in three years – one being high-profile and was asked once whether I would consider The Apprentice. Spurred by my hatred and lack of respect for Alan Sugar, I said ‘Not in this life, mate. I’d rather go bust.’
Daft thing is – she named her kids ‘India’ and ‘Poppy’. An opiate and a country where people openly drop-trou on the pavement.

Now the press all get on their high horses when music videos are a bit rude and don’t want them to be a bad influence on our youth. With ol’ Miley being her usual ‘self’ and Lady Gaga’s camel toe on Britain’s Got Pop Factor last month in a bikini singing ‘Do what you want with my body’ – could be posed as ‘damaging’ to the youth.  I don’t think there is a danger to the youth – they’re already too lazy to get out of their pajamas and actually go out in public in them. Has anyone else noticed the lack of shame of being in one’s ‘jamas openly displayed in Sainsburys?

I want to move on to another utterly ridiculous person and her babydaddy but don’t want to give them air time so i’ll keep it brief:
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. She’s like an overstuffed sofa squeezing her gigantic arse into leggings and he’s a rude bastard who has a permanent facial expression like he’s got a mouth full of ulcers. Instead of that monstrosity video with ol’ fatty on the front of his bike, they should have done a rendition of Disney’s ‘Beauty and the Beast’ – she could have played the teapot.

Death is not so fun for anyone, but I was really pissed off about Paul Walker. I quite fancied him. Not so much about Nelson Mandela he just didn’t have the blue  eyes and blond locks that I like on a man, although the amount of funerals pissed me off a bit. How many funerals does one man need? I did heartily laugh my arse off when I saw the sign language guy. I think that was the #fail of the year.

Every Little Helps.I want to upset some of my readers and address Christmas jumpers. Whatever you hear/see/read that they are OK to wear – they are NOT. They are frucking horrible and you look utterly ridiculous. They’re on the same par as Crocs. Unacceptable.
Onesies on the other hand are a good idea if they had a bumflap. I’m running a campaign on twitter #onesiebumflap and tweeting my preference to not freezing my arse off whilst having a pee. So, I say, put in bumflaps, and use Velcro – you can’t do a button up on your arse. £10 says some numpty retailer will bring out buttoned bumflaps.

One more thing. I like F1 and I’m really pissed off about Schumacher. I really hope he gets better. Why do sports stars have ironic accidents? Like Colin McRae in a helicopter……

Happy new year, may 2014 bring you a camel-toe free year.
Over and out.

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28.07.13 Things That Pee Me Off (or not) – Summer Delusion, The Brian Pot Noodle Advert & The PediEgg Advert

I have to address the PediEgg Advert. Now, the product is clearly very clever and although I cannot bring myself to use one, it probably does what it says it does and they have very happy customers. However, the advert makes me dry heave. It’s always on when I’m eating, like the telly knows this and will put it on deliberately. How do you advertise products that gross people out? It’s very difficult indeed, take Dioralyte or Tampax for example, but they don’t actually show the event. But if PediEgg did not show the motion, they couldn’t amply demonstrate the use of the product, which is kind of necessary. Therefore, the only solution is to put it on during the non-eating times of people. Like mid afternoon. Usually it’s the older consumer that would probably buy it, and they could do with a long handled version for the elderly that can’t reach.

On a lighter note to my moaning, and it does not piss me off in any way – in fact it’s my favourite ad on telly right now.

It’s the the Pot Noodle Advert which consists of Piri Piri perfume, by Brian. It’s tongue in cheek approach to WAGs but played by a man called ‘Brian’. I thought it was very clever and that the fun-poking got my attention and I don’t even eat that crap. I also hate WAGs, so a bearded, fat one just made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Good on ya Pot Noodle Ad Team – you made a crackin’ ad.

I’ve noticed that when the sun makes a sneak peek from behind a cloud, warming us poor cretins in the UK, everyone gets their summer clothes out. But what pees me off are those that are clearly bigger than they think they are and put on their tiny skirts and shorts and letting everyone see their bums. I saw one girl nearly displaying her lady-flower due to the overhanging groin fat mixed with a do-it-yourself cut to a pair of old jeans. I’d have a guess she’s put on a few pounds since wearing them on her holiday to Marbs last year.
What’s more – and hugely grosser – are the maxi-dresses worn by big fat old women without a bra – so their boobs look like a pair of shaved ears from a spaniel that have been Velcro’d on wonkily.
Like a child’s attempt at ‘Pin the Donkey’.
Yuck.

Have a great summer, people. And remember. Keep those spaniels muzzled. No one wants to see that.

My US Telly Insight – What Pees Me off, What I Like and Why.

This isn’t a proper blog about stuff that pees me off – but there are little elements of it all in there. Please note: As it is early on a Saturday, I have metaphorically vomited the words through the power of the keyboard. So if it’s a proper edit you’re looking for, I apologise as you will be disappointed. I type exactly how I speak at this hour.
All comments are my own and now meant to offend. But they probably will.

I love TV. I love it. I watch all that I can, and it is mostly US shows. I do watch the off british show but it’s so dull. I like the hype of flashy lights and strong narration… ‘Previously on…’
One thing I wish: when I watch UK shows, they’ve had their adverts cut – I love US adverts. If you read this blog, you’ll realise, I have a knack for criticising adverts, later you’ll read why, but I wish so much I could watch the ultimate cheese on toast that is American adverts.
By the way: A bit of context to why I am such a telly enthusiast: I work for myself as a webpreneur so I spend hours and hours editing online. Choice telly (I choose myself) is a lifeline to me. Sad, but true. At least it’s not shoes or handbags. And movies are long.

For me, the habit started at uni. We’d watch shows that might appear on Channel 4 and then realise that they were a couple of seasons behind the show, or that it had actually been axed in the US. So we’d find the download of the old seasons, and fly through them, one episode after the other after the other.
It started with 24. I hadn’t been enlightened to the wonders of Jack Bauer and caught a bit on BBC2. Then I realised I could watch previous seasons and most importantly, the next episode to the one I had just watched. It’s a natural decision for a spoilt kid like me to want the next episode NOW.
Once I had gone through the backlog of seasons of shows, I then realised the schedule of US TV on a site called sidereel.com . I could build a profile of the shows I love and then it would tell me when they were airing. It’s not gospel, but it’s near as it can be with armchair-editors contributing from home, so it’s bound to have errors on scheduling. I also found that you could watch shows on that site too – but only retrospectively, any current episodes are always plagued with some jokers posting the wrong episode in order to get links to their advertising banners. But the best bit is now you can also watch shows on netflicks, but they often don’t start at season 1.
Never start a show halfway – Stop. Go back to season 1 episode 1 and watch from the beginning. Character formation is key to the enjoyability of a show.
The everyday tracker on sidereel tells me when my favourite shows had an episode air, so I would ‘obtain’ it via utorrent.
Eventually you will catch up with current airing – week-to-week. Which is a bit of a downer.

Watching one US show will lead to another, like hits of crack. The American razz-mitazz is so much more enjoyable than the muted excitement of British TV, I am not a soap fan. I cannot stand them and neither do I care for zombies or idiots abroad/driving/giving birth which is all there seems to be from the UK. Sidenote – I do watch every cooking show I can though, we have some amazing chefs and I love food. So that’s gotta be said.*

One thing that is important to note when watching more US shows – they are becoming more and more box-set friendly. Meaning, they want you to buy the box set, so they write the show in such a way that you have to watch them one after the other – the depth of storylines and capturing the viewer is now an art, they do it without the viewer even noticing. So when I watch a single episode, I feel like I need to watch the next one, and believe me – doing it that way makes far better viewing, rather than watching week to week, so I ‘save up’ certain shows to watch in succession: Amazing Race, 24 (when it’s back!) Game of Thrones (do this in short bursts (3 episodes at a time), not week to week or it loses it’s ‘feel’), Madmen – anything with a real ongoing storyline.  This is why Netflix and lovefilm have suddenly shot to fame with people getting to freely watch the boxsets on xbox, wii, ps3, their phones, laptops, probably their cars; creating a pseudo-addiction of ‘Another one, Another one Syndrome’.
Of which I am riddled.

* I still can’t cook.
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Shows I recommend watching:
Comedy:
Parks and Recreation (current, stick with it, its a slow burner but hella funny once you know the characters – Quincy Jones’ daughter, Rashida is in it with Aziz Ansari, he’s brilliant. You’ll recognise him from a few shows below as guest parts)
The Office (US) (now finished but awesome) <— I wasnt a gervais fan. But Steve Carrell does a bang-up job. Also Catherine Tate joined the cast in the last two seasons.
30 Rock (now finished) <—- gotta love Alec Baldwin
Big Bang Theory (current) <—- love it but E4 are 8 episodes behind now
Modern Family (current) <—- very funny
Angry Boys (hiatus) <— another kiwi being hilarious
Flight of the Conchords (now finished, sadly, but I saw them live at Hammersmith Apollo – awesome) <— if you like funny songs
Psyche (current) <— crime fighty, but the dude is pretending to be a psychic detective, quite funny and full of deeper gags for old movie buffs
Chuck (now finished) <—- a good little spy show, amusing and with nice characters

Cartoon: (Not for kids) Archer, Bobs Burgers, Family Guy, South Park, American Dad, Cleveland Show. Voice actors for archer are also in Bobs Burgers, Big Bang Theory, Flight of the Conchords and the odd guest actor.
All of these shows listed in this blog have their actors migrate. In the past movie stars would see going to TV acting as a ‘step down’. Now people want to see their TV stars in movies and other shows. Plus half of them are either from Saturday Night Live, are married to eachother, or both.

Food: Hells Kitchen USA, Kitchen Nightmares USA, Top Chef, Top Chef Just Desserts, No Reservations, Masterchef UK and USA, Great British Menu, Great British Bake Off, American Baking Competition – it’s ok, I don’t like the crumpet Paul Hollywood’s got on there, she’s no Mary Berry but it’s a carbon copy of Bake Off without the delightful Sue Perkins.

Other stuff:
Top Gear UK is amazing, Top Gear US is rubbish. Deal with it Americans – you just can’t capture the essence of the show.
The Amazing Race is a great US show – we should do it here. Watch it – it’s good. It’s a Jerry Bruckheimer show – like CSI, so no expense spared. Couples race around the world for $1m but it’s not easy!
NCIS, NCIS LA were watched but I’ve lost it with them both, and Criminal Minds. That got a bit rubbish too.
Warehouse 13 (current) (requires a little imagination, but enjoyable and definitely one for watching one-after-the-other like the ones below)
Grimm and Supernatural – I used to watch these but it went so far down the weird route, if you miss an episode, you’re done for.
Lost and Sopranos will make you angry when you watch the ending. It’s a bit like a cornetto – really awesome til you get to the manky chocolate bit at the end of the cornet.
24 – frankly i don’t watch ‘Spooks’ because this horrid girl I went to school with is in it and she was a real bovine creature. So I don’t watch that. Even though it’s shot at my glorious Uni (walked through them filming a few times, got told off.). Anyway, Jack Bauer pisses all over that tripe, so get a bit of JB in your life. Stat!

Ok Let’s get serious now.
I watch mad men – i am in love with the 60s as a hippie in a former life, and Jon Hamm just makes me swoon. Moreover, I majored in business advertising after studying media previously, and so it’s more than just a show to me, it’s a real grasp of advertising and consumer behaviour. Thoroughly enjoyable, although I would like to see more of Hamm’s bum. Maybe Showtime need to get on that. I love the dissection of the advertising industry, the creativity and strain of being creative within it – I understand that, but I also understand what the customer wants – and that’s how I ‘get’ the main character in the show. It’s a genuinely good production from some outstanding cast members and the director of the Sopranos (So far he’s been ok, but if he ends it like Soprano’s I’ll be very upset). It’s aired on a Sunday, but I prefer to save them up but frankly, I can’t wait.
I wanted that job as an ad exec. That was a plan once. But as a woman, I wasn’t prepared to commute to London every day, kiss misogynistic arses or screw my way to the top. So that’s why I love mad men, it’s like the window of what could have happened (take it being in the 60s out of the equation, the job’s still the same) and how I dodged a bullet.

History Lessons
Ah. Showtime. These crazy Canadians make some cracking shows that air in the US and eventually make their way over here. It’s all tits and gore – but so was the the time. I found the Tudors to be an excellent show and I fell in love with Henry Cavill – the new Man of Steel as the Earl of Sussex and his exquisite bare behind.
The Borgias was a little risqué with their family business but in true Showtime flavour, shot in the UK or on rightful location, no expense spared and loosely fitting to the realms of history – timelines are a bit squiffy for dramatical hollywoodisation, but it’s not like they spared Anne Boleyn her life or anything; they just hammed up her diddling her brother a bit more than the history books say. Definitely worth watching.
Showtime also made ‘Weeds’ which was a fun show to watch – in the end though, you get fed up with Nancy. She’s a glutton for her own punishment as a widow pushing weed. A milder, funnier ‘Breaking Bad’ which I am yet to bend to peer pressure on and watch. I’m still on the fence about ‘Breaking Bad’ I’ll get back to you on it.
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What I don’t like:

Vampires. Zombies. Sports. Shameless. Teen drama. Reality shows about stupid women purporting to be ‘housewifes’ – they wanna come to Britain and learn what a house wife is the cheeky cows.
Soaps. Idiots in benedorm/learning to drive/having babies.
I used to hate Britain’s Got Pop Factor (TY Steve, I stole your joke) but I enjoy it because of one thing – Twitter. I like to hurl funny jibes about live TV and I thoroughly enjoy reading other’s peoples, too. That Katie Weasel has me in bits on Twitter.

I also don’t start a new show until it reaches season 2 and has been penned for a further season. I don’t bother with E4 – the shows they show are all pretty much axed: Bitch in Apt 13, New Normal, Happy Endings, Rules of Engagement are all chopped in the US, so why the UK channels are investing in them, I don’t know. Probably because E4 spent the budget on Big Bang Theory.

Shows to steer clear of:
Prison Break after season 1. Season 1 is amazing, but oh dear lord, they wrecked it.
Community – gave it a go, turned out to be awful
Arrested Development – Even Jeremy Kyle couldn’t fix this bunch of weirdos – I don’t get it.
Dexter – I can’t sympathise with a serial killer as the main protagonist, there’s something in my brain that prevents this.
Anything with Charlie Sheen in it. Although the YT video of him ‘Winning’ is worth a watch.
I also have the misfortune of watching ‘The River’, ‘V’ and other shows that attempted to bring dinosaurs back. Don’t waste the hours of your life, let it get to season 2 at least.
Homeland – I HATE THIS SHOW. Those flippin’ women – both the wife and Claire Danes’ character boil my piss. It’s so ridiculously far fetched, there’s more truth in ‘Supernatural’.

Sidenote: I also watch paranormal shows but only ones that use scientific gadgetry (Ghost Adventures, Ghost Hunters) but I do like the silly ones (Deep South Paranormal, Destination Truth, Ghost Mine). I dont like mediumship – it’s a form of con-artistry. I grew up with Del Boy as a dad and I’m banned from watching Hustle because it would ‘give me ideas’ plus the study of language and trigger words (advertising) so I can spot a bullshitter when I see one. So steer clear of that old crap. Apparently, Most Haunted’s coming back after recovering from the demise of Living TV. Let’s hope they get the gadgets out and actually do some science in their second chance as the viewers are different to before, rather than indulge in bullshit artists like Derek Acorah. Viewers want to see more science in this technological age, not new-age hippie conjecture that there might be someone with a ‘P’ in their name that’s going to ‘get them later on tonight’ .*Sigh*
And I also watch a huge amount of conspiracy crap. I love it. I have to apply a bullshit filter, and I do enjoy shouty Americans like Alex Jones and Jessie Ventura. It does make me think about stuff.

Things That Pee Me Off – 01.04.13 – Game Adverts, Trolleys At The Self Service Checkout & Kim Kardashian’s Latest Pictures

Game Adverts
I am a huge gamer. I’ve still got my Commodore 64 and Calicovision and the rest of the consoles have been passed down the family like old school uniform. One thing that bothers me is the game adverts on the TV. As a consumer, I want to be enthralled at the prospect of a good up-and-coming game. What I actually get is an animated sequence with small print saying ‘*Not gameplay footage’ and a huge wave of utter disappointment engulfs me. For example, the Bioshock advert looks pretty cool – to find the game is nothing like the advert and I probably wouldn’t like it anyway. So is it, or is it not false advertising? Should the ASA have something to say about this? It seems that they are a law unto themselves as if you put a movie trailer up with a disclaimer and showed completely different footage, or Johnson and Johnson have an advert for baby wipes but really they’re advertising bubble bath. That wouldn’t be ok. So what makes game companies exempt from this rule?

Trolleys at the self-service
I’m going to have a moan about trolleys again in the self service at the supermarket. It is seriously pissing me off now, to a point where I almost make a scene. If your shopping does not fit on the weighscales at the other end of the self-service – i.e. you have a trolley – piss off to the proper checkouts so that us, those little people buying one bottle of coke and a cheese sandwich can get on with our day. Selfish Selfish. I emailed Sainsburys about this and they said it wasn’t part of their policy to exclude trolleys from self-service checkouts. Well, I am saying back to them: clearly none of you have had to to stand – in a hurry –  whilst Mrs. Smith, Jones and Thompson hog the three working checkouts (the forth one’s knackered today) with their weekly shop of smartprice beans, bleach and sugarpuffs. It’s a pisstake – and you’ll realise that when it happens to you.

Kim Kardashian’s Latest Pictures
Kim Kardashian is looking more like a pygmy hippo every time I see her on TMZ. It’s quite amazing how someone with such a lack of talent can get you flippin’ everywhere – all from lying on her back with Ray J in a sex tape. For someone so unfortunately shaped, it astounds me that she dares to wear plastic/leather knowing full well she looks like an overstuffed sofa. Pregnant or not, this chick looks awful all of the time.

Happy Easter. No eggs for you, Kim, you’ve had enough.

Things That Pee Me Off – 31.03.13 – Freederm Advert, BBC 3 Programming & The New Diet Coke Advert

Three things that piss me off in under 30 seconds – ready, steady, read…

The Demise of BBC 3
Every time I turn on BBC 3 it’s either an idiot in hospital in Spain, an idiot giving birth* or an idiot family on their shitty estate.
Or American Dad.
I’m just saying – enough with the stupid people. I do not want to see open-fractured limbs, placenta and job-seekers when I turn on the telly – I can get most of that in town.
Thankfully, there are lots of other channels to look at but I kind of expect more from the BBC. One upon a time, the BBC was an institution of education and culture and it is still there on BBC 2 and some BBC 1 shows. But I don’t want to lose what little intellectual TV we have left. But sometimes, I feel that it’s just talentless celebrity panel shows and a muted explanation so the masses can understand it. And, of course, cooking competition shows.**
If the best BBC 3 culture we can produce is second-rate ‘fly on the wall’ documentaries about the UK’s idiots, I’ll leave it, thanks.
I will say – watch Parks & Recreation on BBC 4. It’s brilliant comedy.

Freederm’s Massive Advertising Fail
The Freederm advert with the girl and boy peeling scenes DRIVES ME MAD. I have to turn the sound off because the monstrosity of a song that the advertisers chose is out of tune, nasal, shouty and frankly – a frucking abysmal piece of work – the singer should go back to their day job because she cannot sing. AT ALL. It’s not only the music, the premise is so cheesy, I almost turn inside out cringing. Especially at the end. UH. It’s like the end of Sister Act 2 when the class realise Whoopi Goldberg is a ‘Las Vegas Showgirl’.
They should have gone with George Michael’s ‘Freedom’ instead. Just don’t put the kids in a Range Rover.

The Lawnmower Diet Coke Ad
I just wanna say – that if you chucked a can of Diet Coke at me whilst I am operating a machine with rotating blades – I would pick it up, shake it madly, open it and throw down at you from 2ft. It is a very reckless and irresponsible thing to do. It makes the women in the advert look like a bunch of hormone-heightened old maids with a complete disregard for safety in order to meet their pervy objective. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the man in the advert like the next woman,  but it is a bit of a stupid advert. And a little bit sexist.
Not all of us women are idiots.
But all of us are pervs. Yep we’ll deny it, but it’s true.
Sorry ’bout that.

* As much as I think having a child is idiotic, costly, painful, stressful and many more reasons; I have fully accepted that I have to go through it at least once. The only difference is – I know what a cervix is. Not like the div on the advert.
** I am a huge fan of the cooking genre. Youtube ‘Buttery Biscuit Base’ if you like Masterchef and check out ‘Top Chef’ on t’internet.

Things That Pee Me Off – 09.03.13 – Andrex’s Arsewiping Campaign, Vivienne Westwood’s Mouthing Off & Justin Bloody Beiber’s Slippery Slope

Frankly, I do not need or wish to know how people wipe their arses.
Clearly Andrex are desperate to understand a consumer behaviour behind the use of bog roll, but there’s only so much development you can do with it. The advert is cringey because it prompts one to think about that person wiping their arse – in most cases it’s the people from the advert.* Ok, It’s a function. But it’s a function that people prefer not to share. Keep it in the bathroom, please if you don’t mind, and not on my telly.  I’d rather know a poll on how many people wash their hands after taking a dump – that data would be more enlightening. Especially how Ikea’s in hot water again after ‘faecal bacteria’ was found on their Dime-Bar Type Tortes this morning.

Vivienne Westwood is starting to grind my gears with her constant bad mouthing other people’s style. If you want to go out looking like Buckeroo, laden with tacky accessories: wear Westwood. If you want to get stung in the pocket for utter horrid clothes: buy Westwood. If you’re a normal person, with a bit of taste – you wear anything but Westwood. She’s been getting on the media bandwagon because the heat’s died off her a bit – like the skin around her neck – and is having a ‘go’ at our glorious Duchess Catherine and Michelle Obama.
I pose one question to her:
Have you looked at yourself lately, love? Because you look like the Benjamin Button offspring of a worn out old handbag and a chucky doll.
She may have been a ‘pioneer’ in the 80s punk style, but that was a long time ago, even Sid Vicious knew when to hang up the Doc Martens. Grow old gracefully dear, I’ll give you a mobility scooter. We can embroider your pretentious logo on the seat.

So it’s been a long time coming but I have to now address my annoyance of Justin Beiber.
Kids need an idol, they love a young boy and he certainly lives up to that. His lateness at this week’s gig was utterly unacceptable and he should have incurred a fine for it. More like he was in his dressing room pulling the diva routine. Then to fake an ‘episode’ to gain sympathy – the sheer transparency of this stunt is laughable. Sadly, stupid parents appease their childrens’ whims because a quiet life is an easy life and continued to go on to buy £50 of merchandise after the show – despite the spoilt little git making them wait for two hours. I’ve been at gigs where the crowd are so cross that they are late, or bad, or both – I saw Justin from the Darkness get laughed off stage before the main act and well, we all know what happened to Daphne and Celeste at Reading. I know why parents don’t react like this – because they’re not from the rock world, they’re from the glee-world where everything is rosy.

What British parents don’t do – is read TMZ. Now, TMZ is the ruler of the paparazzi high-seas of Celebritydom. Founder Harvey Levine is a master of his craft of celebrity gossip has his paps everywhere. They often have Beiber and his entourage photographed smoking blunts (pure weed in a cigar wrap, hardcore.) and cups of lil Wayne’s favourite – Sizzurp  (consists of Promethazine with codeine syrup, any fruit flavored fizzy pop, and a jolly rancher all mixed together, according to Urban Dictionary, hardcore isnt the word, I’d describe it as ‘totally fucked’) in little tiny paper cups. Whether it was actually Beiber is conjecture – but he shouldn’t be associating himself with that kind of behaviour and at the same time be an idol for the under 15s, appeasing them with his pitiful ‘I love you’ tweets – pass me a sizzurp cup, please because I’m going to vomit a little bit. Google ‘TMZ Beiber Sizzurp’, have an elightening ten mins. And whether it’s true or circumstantial – there’s no weed smoke without fire.
He also needs to consider changing his friend choice not only because they’re wreckheads. One in particular has a thing for smashing up Beiber’s crappy cars. You gotta be a good friend – or have some serious dirt – to let them smash up a chrome Fisker AKA Toaster on Wheels into a post because you can’t handle an automatic. I’ve just read in the online comic ‘The Sun’ that Beiber is considering ‘The Bible’. His PR team sure know how to spin a yarn to get people back onside.  Oh, and that he’s never coming back to the UK.
Super, we’re cool with that.

Answer me this – should parents know that their little darlings are idolising people that behave in such a way? I love Amy Winehouse. I love Keith Moon. Both were wreckheads, but I understood, I was an adult and that and it kind of made their ‘art’ better. But children should have a role model that does good things like charity work , complete their education, aren’t complete hos and slept their way to the top and that are anti-drugs and alcohol. I can only feel that parents are grossly misinformed by the shiny-shiny celebrity world, not the dark, grimy side of celebrityism with their tax evasions, DUIs, drugs, crashing sports cars and rowing with people in public oh and of course the now-all-is-forgiven Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rhianna. Apparently she wants a kid with him. Good luck with that one.
Thankfully, TMZ delivers the grime, and a bit of conjecture and speculation thrown in for good measure, but if you have a BS-filter, you might find the site interesting. And well, amusing. Because you can have all the wealth and all the fame but some of them are as thick as soup and  take it all for granted. Just look at Lindsey Lohan – there is a simple solution – do yourself a favour – stay indoors with a Love Film account. Have friends over. Do not go clubbing. Simple.
I hate Kim ‘media ho’ Kardashian, but at least she would never appear on TMZ wasted, being nicked by police for running over people.

Sidenote: Both Moon and Winehouse joined the ‘Forever 27 Club’ with Joplin and Cobain, let’s hope Beiber isn’t another one of them. Well, not until Paddy Power takes my bet of course, Will Hill called it ‘distasteful’. I laughed in response.

* My sister knows one model who was an actress in the arsewiping advert. I’ve ordered to her abuse her about it every chance she gets.

Things That Pee Me Off – 15.02.13 – Come Dine With Me, Deluded ‘Singers’ & Horse Meat

Sorry. It’s been a while. Work is driving me crazy in the day. And, in all honesty,  I discovered The Sims 3. So my virtual life is far better than my real one. I have a pet horse called ‘Findus’ and more than £67 in the bankin the virtual Sim world and it’s great.

SO today’s rant. I actually am itching to write about the Papal Resignation, but I’m going to do it over the weekend and highly edit, I do not need to be extradited on charges. Those Vaticans are nutters.

Come Dine With Me. I’d rather not, thanks.
I flippin’ hate Channel 4 monstrocity ‘Come Dine With Me’. The narrator’s stupid comments are bad enough but the utter, utter twatlings that go on it just make my blood boil. Now, I love a cooking show, it’s the most viewed genre in my household. What gets me the most is the way these randomers feel free to go into other people’s bedrooms and have a nose around. How frucking rude is that? What is also pretty rude is that some ‘contestants’ can’t behave themselves and start a row when someone has just cooked you dinner. Oh they do a Michelin Star job. Most have been dropped on the floor, the dogs licked it or it’s been passed through the kitchen window by the local Chinese.
What’s with the taxi ride home bitching too? It’s really mean and unnecessary. I do find some amusement. From the ones that are absolutely wasted on national television and can’t even construct a ‘6’ on the board so the cameraman has to do it. You can plainly see the production team have propped them up against the window and said ‘Look there.’ pointing at the camera but their eyes are glazed over like a three-day corpse.
The night entertainment is always cringing and unnecessary – one of them always hates it and every episode someone always says “It’s just not my cup of tea.” No it’s not, it’s Come frucking Dine With Me for extravagant idiots, fame hungry wagabees* and a strange bloke that on the weekends enjoys wearing his gran’s pants and dances in front of his pets. If you’re reserved or in any way inclined to enjoy cooking, save it for Ready Steady Cook.
If I went on it, I’d book rented accommodation and plant large weaponry around the house. Put a 9mm in the knicker draw, they’d get the message to behave themselves.  If they did stay long enough to eat, I’ll just light a bonfire, mount a spit and suggest one of them give themselves up.
I doubt I’d make it to Friday Finale.

Deluded ‘Singers’
I raised a musician by my soul-singin’ front-man father and inherited a rather good ear. Example, my pal Kelsey can play a note on his guitar and I can tell him what note it is. So if something’s out of tune, I can hear it. It’s a weird gift, I s’pose,  it means I don’t need a tuner to tune Ashton my guitar*. It pisses me off because I can hear when people like Stooshie sing the first line to their song ‘Monster’ ending on a flat note (why would you let the song out if it’s flat? Half-arsed production, that is, listen out for it). Now Stooshie can sing, but there are many people that can’t. So, watching auditions for shows like X Factor or even at the local Karaoke I cringe so hard, I turn inside out with both hands held up to my ears.
Someone in this deluded person’s life, probably to spare hurt feelings, told them that they can sing. Or that they can ‘be whatever they want to be’. So, they pick up a copy of Heat* or I prefer to call it ‘Meat’, so that they can go to the all in one salon (hair, nails, tan, ‘jazzle, done.) and pop out the mould like a Mary Berry Teacake.***  These days as a marketer, I see pop stars as bottles of shampoo. Vessels for a commodity. They have no feelings, no life, they are told when to fart, speak and to perform on cue like that dog from ‘Britain’s Got Nowt’.

So let’s clear this up. To be a pop star solo singer: you cant be:

  • Out of tune to such a degree that Melodyne can’t help you
  • Fat
  • Ugly
  • Over 25
  • In a relationship that can’t be fixed with a quickie divorce
  • Unwilling to be subjected to being strapped to a chair and forced mnemonic programming with loads of Simon Cowell’s face spinning  slowly on a big screen with a psychadelc background to the sound of him saying ‘I am your master, you will obey.’ to the backing track of ‘How Do I Live’ by Leanne Rimes.

I just want to explain to these poor deluded souls that go on X Factor with all the hope in the world – not one of them has recorded themselves to hear the flaws back, weighed themselves or even bothered to fix their roots before queuing for 6 hours at the O2 or they would know it was a wasted journey, but no one has the balls to say “You SUCK.” before getting to the panel of judges. Now a basic calculation on some of these people is that they must have sang in front of at least ten people before deciding to go onto X Factor. So why hasn’t one of those ten told them to spare them the embarrassment? It’s like putting a morbidly obese person on Gladiators and asking them to do the Travelator because ‘we believe in you, Dear’. Frucking cruel is what it is.

Horseburgers.
I like meat. I like burgers, I like lasagne. I don’t buy catshit pies from Iceland, or Smartprice burgers. So I will continue eating my beef with much happiness because I don’t buy crap. I don’t really care if I eat horse either much, I’ve eaten kangaroo and Skippy is as much loved and he

Yum.

Imagine a world without Photoshop.

tasted a-maz-ing.
I know that the labelling thing is an issue, hell if I want to eat horse, I’ll get a nice bit of horse, but I don’t want them saying it’s one thing and actually packaging another. That’s lying. But what annoys me is this ‘ooh how disgusting feeding us horse’ well horse is meat, it’s not frucking unicorn, cat or local roadkill.
And don’t moan about kebabs having horsemeat – you knew what you were getting into when you had the third drink and decided to ‘eat on the way home’.

One last point I’d like to say is ‘horse’ is an actual thing, not like the made up marketing names of things chucked in an Actimel like ‘Biffidus Digestivum’ to make it sound like it’s good for you. It actually sounds like a spell from Harry Potter that would make your opponent soil themselves. And if you had enough Actimel, you probably would too.

Until next time, peace.
* Wagabees, coined by me. Wannabe WAGS. I flippin’ hate them.
** Fine electro-acoustic named after the name on the box, not the man from JLS.
*** Chocolate teacake, like Tunnocks. Look up the video on YT with Mary Berry. MMM.