Frankly, I do not need or wish to know how people wipe their arses.
Clearly Andrex are desperate to understand a consumer behaviour behind the use of bog roll, but there’s only so much development you can do with it. The advert is cringey because it prompts one to think about that person wiping their arse – in most cases it’s the people from the advert.* Ok, It’s a function. But it’s a function that people prefer not to share. Keep it in the bathroom, please if you don’t mind, and not on my telly. I’d rather know a poll on how many people wash their hands after taking a dump – that data would be more enlightening. Especially how Ikea’s in hot water again after ‘faecal bacteria’ was found on their Dime-Bar Type Tortes this morning.
Vivienne Westwood is starting to grind my gears with her constant bad mouthing other people’s style. If you want to go out looking like Buckeroo, laden with tacky accessories: wear Westwood. If you want to get stung in the pocket for utter horrid clothes: buy Westwood. If you’re a normal person, with a bit of taste – you wear anything but Westwood. She’s been getting on the media bandwagon because the heat’s died off her a bit – like the skin around her neck – and is having a ‘go’ at our glorious Duchess Catherine and Michelle Obama.
I pose one question to her:
Have you looked at yourself lately, love? Because you look like the Benjamin Button offspring of a worn out old handbag and a chucky doll.
She may have been a ‘pioneer’ in the 80s punk style, but that was a long time ago, even Sid Vicious knew when to hang up the Doc Martens. Grow old gracefully dear, I’ll give you a mobility scooter. We can embroider your pretentious logo on the seat.
So it’s been a long time coming but I have to now address my annoyance of Justin Beiber.
Kids need an idol, they love a young boy and he certainly lives up to that. His lateness at this week’s gig was utterly unacceptable and he should have incurred a fine for it. More like he was in his dressing room pulling the diva routine. Then to fake an ‘episode’ to gain sympathy – the sheer transparency of this stunt is laughable. Sadly, stupid parents appease their childrens’ whims because a quiet life is an easy life and continued to go on to buy £50 of merchandise after the show – despite the spoilt little git making them wait for two hours. I’ve been at gigs where the crowd are so cross that they are late, or bad, or both – I saw Justin from the Darkness get laughed off stage before the main act and well, we all know what happened to Daphne and Celeste at Reading. I know why parents don’t react like this – because they’re not from the rock world, they’re from the glee-world where everything is rosy.
What British parents don’t do – is read TMZ. Now, TMZ is the ruler of the paparazzi high-seas of Celebritydom. Founder Harvey Levine is a master of his craft of celebrity gossip has his paps everywhere. They often have Beiber and his entourage photographed smoking blunts (pure weed in a cigar wrap, hardcore.) and cups of lil Wayne’s favourite – Sizzurp (consists of Promethazine with codeine syrup, any fruit flavored fizzy pop, and a jolly rancher all mixed together, according to Urban Dictionary, hardcore isnt the word, I’d describe it as ‘totally fucked’) in little tiny paper cups. Whether it was actually Beiber is conjecture – but he shouldn’t be associating himself with that kind of behaviour and at the same time be an idol for the under 15s, appeasing them with his pitiful ‘I love you’ tweets – pass me a sizzurp cup, please because I’m going to vomit a little bit. Google ‘TMZ Beiber Sizzurp’, have an elightening ten mins. And whether it’s true or circumstantial – there’s no weed smoke without fire.
He also needs to consider changing his friend choice not only because they’re wreckheads. One in particular has a thing for smashing up Beiber’s crappy cars. You gotta be a good friend – or have some serious dirt – to let them smash up a chrome Fisker AKA Toaster on Wheels into a post because you can’t handle an automatic. I’ve just read in the online comic ‘The Sun’ that Beiber is considering ‘The Bible’. His PR team sure know how to spin a yarn to get people back onside. Oh, and that he’s never coming back to the UK.
Super, we’re cool with that.
Answer me this – should parents know that their little darlings are idolising people that behave in such a way? I love Amy Winehouse. I love Keith Moon. Both were wreckheads, but I understood, I was an adult and that and it kind of made their ‘art’ better. But children should have a role model that does good things like charity work , complete their education, aren’t complete hos and slept their way to the top and that are anti-drugs and alcohol. I can only feel that parents are grossly misinformed by the shiny-shiny celebrity world, not the dark, grimy side of celebrityism with their tax evasions, DUIs, drugs, crashing sports cars and rowing with people in public oh and of course the now-all-is-forgiven Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rhianna. Apparently she wants a kid with him. Good luck with that one.
Thankfully, TMZ delivers the grime, and a bit of conjecture and speculation thrown in for good measure, but if you have a BS-filter, you might find the site interesting. And well, amusing. Because you can have all the wealth and all the fame but some of them are as thick as soup and take it all for granted. Just look at Lindsey Lohan – there is a simple solution – do yourself a favour – stay indoors with a Love Film account. Have friends over. Do not go clubbing. Simple.
I hate Kim ‘media ho’ Kardashian, but at least she would never appear on TMZ wasted, being nicked by police for running over people.
Sidenote: Both Moon and Winehouse joined the ‘Forever 27 Club’ with Joplin and Cobain, let’s hope Beiber isn’t another one of them. Well, not until Paddy Power takes my bet of course, Will Hill called it ‘distasteful’. I laughed in response.
* My sister knows one model who was an actress in the arsewiping advert. I’ve ordered to her abuse her about it every chance she gets.
Things That Pee Me Off 